Greg Sisco, the underrated and sacrilegiously attractive young novelist who is writing this article in the third person, announced today that he would give away up to 500 brand new Ferrari 458 Italia’s to anybody who buys his novel One-Night Stan’s on April 1, 2012.
“April Fools Day is my favorite holiday,” said Sisco. “It’s really the holiday that defines my generation since there is no obligation to follow through with personal commitments. That’s why I’ve decided to spend all this money on my fans.”
“I wasn’t expecting him to actually follow through with buying the cars for us, but he totally did,” said Steven J. Bennes, a time traveller from the future. “Mine is orange, which was a little disappointing, but it’s still better than a Nissan Sentra, I guess.”
At more than $200,000 per vehicle, the 500 cars will cost over $100 million, more money than any sensible person would expect Sisco to make in his entire life, but that’s not stopping him from making a firm commitment.
“This isn’t something I’d joke about. I’m looking into getting a bulk discount and hopefully acquiring the cars at seventy or eighty bucks a pop. April Fools Day is not something I piss around with. It’s a serious holiday in my book. One-Night Stan’s is less than three bucks, and you’re guaranteed a car that’s worth more than your loved ones’ lives. You’d be stupid not to buy it.”
In response to allegations that this entire promotion is a fraud to get people to buy his shitty book, Sisco literally kicks me in the crotch.
“One-Night Stan’s is a part of this promotion because it ties in perfectly with April Fools Day!” he bellows at me as I’m lying on the floor shrieking in agony, “It’s about people hacking each other up, and stabbing college students in the genitals, and getting off sexually while torturing other people. It’s a fun, hilarious story and it captures the spirit of April Fools Day perfectly.”