The human they call Greg is enormously tall for its species, measuring just under nine galactic clicks (7.64 universal clicks), but it is puny and frail in spite of this, even in comparison to its peers. After a perfectly executed abduction, the human scurries freakishly about the chamber for some time. Its panic level jumps when I offer to shoot it with a fear-control gun, and the panic spikes when I fire the first dart into its throat. It takes seven darts, two of them to the face, before the beast’s panic-level finally subsides and it agrees to be interviewed.
Space Monster (SM): Hello, Greg. Thank you for sitting down with me.
Greg Sisco (GS): No problem, Space Monster. This is cool. This place is classy.
SM: You come from a violent and fearful species. Why do you hate yourselves?
GS: Well, I can only speak personally. It mostly has to do with my cowardice when it comes to standing up for things I believe in. And talking to women. That too. Just general cowardice. About most things, really.
SM: You are speaking strictly about individual self-judgment. The question was in regards to a species turning hatred on itself. Are you unaware you are all one being?
GS: Oh. Oh… Well… Largely, yes. Except when we’re on LSD, I think, but I’ve never tried that. I think maybe we hate other humans when we feel like they’re infringing on our ability to do the things we want as individuals.
SM: Perhaps you can explain to me why anger is turned on the most hated of individual humans.
GS: Uh… Okay. Is that… Do you mean Hitler, or…?
SM: The human they call Miley.
GS: …Oh. Oh… So the… Oh. Okay. Um…
SM: Are you familiar with the human they call Miley?
GS: Yeah. Well, I mean… Well… Yeah. Like, vaguely. I mean, I… Hm. This is going to be difficult.
SM: Our studies have indicated that humans within your age bracket harbor hatred for Miley to the largest degree.
GS: That right? Hm. That’s… interesting.
SM: What did Miley do to become hated?
GS: Well… Okay. So there’s this thing called the entertainment business. And one thing people in this business do is they sing songs. Singing is, like… they make sounds with their voice like-
(The human gives a shrill cry, as though in defense.)
GS: -well, I can’t really do it. But, like, when it’s done well, it’s pleasant to hear. People really enjoy it.
SM: We are familiar with this habit based on your television programming. It seems these so-called pop singers are the most celebrated and condemned of the human species, correct?
GS: Uh… If you say so. Anyway, Miley does that. And she also did it when she was younger. And when she was younger she did it in a way that was sort of cute and innocent, but then now that she’s an adult, it’s like… she doesn’t wear so many clothes and, like, makes people think about sex or whatever.
SM: I see. The members of my species are also appalled by the horrors of the reproductive act. When my species mates, the male turns inside out at the peak of intercourse and dies in agony. The younglings hatch from within the womb of the female and feed on her from the inside. What horrors does your species endure?
GS: Wow, that’s… that’s awful. No, we actually, um… We just… It basically just feels really… really good. Um… yeah. Like really good. And then… I don’t know. (laughs awkwardly) Yeah, it feels really good and then you… like… go on with your day. Or go to bed… smoke a cigarette or whatever.
SM: Your species is peculiar in its desire not to be reminded of something pleasant.
GS: Yeah. Um… Well, to be fair, I think we mostly do like to be reminded of it. In fact we actually won’t usually let people be pop stars, or any sort of respected entertainer, unless, um… unless we want to have sex with them.
SM: You contradict yourself. Explain!
GS: Um… Well… The thing is, Miley was famous when she was a kid. Er, uh… a youngling. So… I think a lot of it, maybe, is that people still think of her as a youngling, so… so there’s like a… I don’t know…
SM: But she is no longer a youngling?
GS: No. Right. Well, um… it’s perception and all that, which is… I guess there’s just… animosity as the result of people still seeing her as a youngling.
SM: You mean that you harbor hatred and wish violence upon this human because you perceive her as a youngling? Our disgust deepens! Explain yourself or suffer the consequences!
GS: It’s not me! It’s other people! I don’t care!
SM: You are all one! We have been over this! Explain yourself!
(The human begins blubbering.)
GS: I don’t know! My species sucks! We’re stupid, is that what you want me to say? We never have any idea why we feel the way we do! I don’t know why we hate people for singing, why we can’t just ignore art we think is bad or try to do it better ourselves. I don’t know why we’re so out of touch with each other–er, uh… with ourself! We’re just dumb! We’re a bunch of barely-developed barbarians throwing rocks at each other for the hell of it. We unite better by hatred than by love. We’re fucked up! You can’t ask me to be the mouthpiece for the whole species and expect me to help you make sense of us. I am us and we don’t even make sense to me. We’re young and stupid and I don’t know if we’re going to get better. We’re toddlers with slingshots and M-90s, all of us!
(The human becomes so hysterical I am forced to shoot it with several anti-depressant darts and several anti-fear darts to return it to clarity. As it has alluded to in this interview, they are indeed an out-of-control species where emotions are concerned.)
SM: It is okay. All species must develop. A few short millennia ago the members of my own species organized ourselves into tribes and murdered those in other groups for personal gain.
GS: Right. Yeah, we do that all the time. That’s, like, practically the only thing we do, actually.
SM: You are doomed.
GS: I figured.
SM: Thank you for your interview.
GS: Thanks for having me. Can I move to your planet?
SM: Absolutely not. You will poison us with your ignorant hatred.
GS: Well fuck you then.
I dump the human on his face outside a bar in the region called China where I found it. There is nothing to be gained from this species. My search for intelligent life continues.