Memoirs of a Rideshare Driver: Drunker Than This?
Episode 54 in a series of true rideshare stories
She wobbles out of the strip club at seven o’clock in the evening, if you can even call seven o’clock evening. The sun hasn’t gone down yet, but her husband and the bouncer have to help her down the stairs like teammates assisting an injured athlete. He’s a little drunk, but coherent and even fairly pleasant. She, on the other hand, can’t walk or sit upright and can barely speak.
Five minutes into a thirty minute ride, she thinks she’s going to vomit and we do an emergency pull-over. He opens the door for her and she slumps out of it with just her seatbelt holding her into the car because she can’t support her own weight. Between retches, she keeps apologizing. He tells her, “Don’t worry. I’ve been way drunker than this many times,” and I wonder exactly what “way drunker than this” is supposed to look like.
After another five minutes of driving, we have to pull over again, even though there doesn’t seem to be anything left in her stomach. She’s just dry-heaving as her husband says, “Don’t worry. They didn’t even kick you out. I’ve been kicked out of soooo many strip clubs.”
Put that on a résumé.
When the retching has stopped, we drive for another five minutes, then have to pull over a third time.
He finally becomes concerned and suggests we take her to a hospital. I tell him at the rate we’re going, it’d take half the night to get her to one. He calls an ambulance to meet us in the parking lot where we’re stopped.
When the paramedics get there, they give her a once-over and say she doesn’t show any signs of alcohol poisoning. They tell him that either he or they should monitor her through the night and make sure she doesn’t choke on her own vomit. Mr. “I’ve been drunker than this many times” says he’s pretty drunk himself and that it’s probably better if professionals have that responsibility.
I’m all ready to turn them over to the paramedics and close out the ride, but—plot twist—they have a kid at home, and the husband needs to get back and relieve the babysitter. The paramedics take the wife and I take the husband. But at least with only him in the car, the remaining fifteen minutes on the GPS genuinely takes fifteen minutes. No more dry-heaving stops.
All in, the ride takes roughly a full hour.
He tips me $80 in cash though, so I still give him five stars.
Memoirs of a Rideshare Driver is a series that tells true stories from my 10,000+ trips as a rideshare driver. I will post new stories every month in 2026.
Plot twist!! 😂