Memoirs of a Rideshare Driver: Fake Seltzers
Episode 57 in a series of true rideshare stories
They are all college age, two guys and a girl, on their way to a party. The girl has a box of drinks on her lap, and one of the guys asks her what they are.
“Just seltzer water,” she says.
“Like White Claws?”
“Well, like White Claws without alcohol.”
“You don’t drink?”
“I do. I just figured, if we’re hanging out drinking White Claws, this way I can alternate and I won’t get too drunk.”
“That’s cool,” says the guy. “Kind of like those NoPhone things. Have you heard of those?”
“NoPhone?”
“It’s a plastic block that you put in your pocket and it feels like a phone.”
“Just a plastic block that doesn’t do anything? What’s the point of that?”
“It’s a therapy thing, for people who are addicted to their phones.”
She scrunches her nose. “That’s weird.”
“Why is that weird?” he asks, with total sincerity. “It’s the exact same thing you were talking about with the fake seltzers.”
Nobody else laughs, but I sure do. Not only does this guy consider seltzer waters without alcohol to be “fake seltzers”, but a therapeutic device for severe addicts is “the exact same thing” as a La Croix. I laugh so hard I almost spit out my fake rum and coke. Or, as I have always called it, a coke.
Memoirs of a Rideshare Driver is a series that tells true stories from my 10,000+ trips as a rideshare driver. I will post new stories every month in 2026.