Memoirs of a Rideshare Driver: Scared Guy and Funny Guy

Episode 41 in a series of true rideshare stories

I am trying to watch a classic horror movie every day for the month of October. Right now, I’m living in one. Rain is coming down in sheets and every now and then a streak of lightning ignites the sky. The streets are deserted, and only a few people are visible through dimly-lit windows.

I pull up outside a bar and two men in their twenties run to the car, hunched over in the rain. They get into my back seat as quickly as they can and I begin to drive.

One of them, who clearly sees the night the same way I do, asks me, "Are you going to take us to our destination? Or are you going to take us to the middle of nowhere and kill us?"

"Don't ask that!" the other guy whispers sharply, sounding scared.

"It's funny you bring it up," I tell them, "because I watched The Texas Chain Saw Massacre earlier tonight, about some people who get killed in the middle of nowhere."

"Don't kill us," says Funny Guy. "We're good Catholics."

"That's funny too," I say, "because yesterday I watched The Wicker Man, about some people who kill a good Catholic."

Scared Guy isn't amused by any of this, but Funny Guy is, and Funny Guy is the one who used the app, the one who will rate me and decide my tip, so I follow his lead. When I make a turn (which the app told me to make) and he fakes a scared face and asks, "Why are you going this way?" I stare straight ahead and say in a menacing tone, "Don't worry. I know a shortcut."

Scared Guy hasn't seen many horror movies, or he’d know that Funny Guy almost always dies before Scared Guy, and since Scared Guy is in a car with two Funny Guys and there's no woman here to be Final Girl, his odds are actually really good.

The writer in me kicks in and I say, "What would really be ironic is if you requested a ride to the middle of nowhere, and then when we get there, you kill me."

They both laugh at that, and it reverses the dynamic. For the rest of the ride, they imply they’re going to kill me. Scared Guy becomes another Funny Guy, and I become the new Scared Guy, which perhaps increases my odds of survival and lowers his.

I drop them off and we go our separate ways without any of us being murdered, though I’d like to think, as soon as they get into the house and out of my sight, Scared Guy’s face will drain of all emotion and he will hack Funny Guy to pieces. That's clearly the best twist ending.

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Memoirs of a Rideshare Driver is a series that tells true stories of my 10,000+ trips as a rideshare driver. I will post them every Monday.